what i let them steal (from me)

i was chatting. someone asked:
“when did you and ana first hook-up?”

i paused.
(chest tightened)
breathe.
i thought about childhood
(inhaler)
the illusion of control
the vain attempts to break my mother (an ana out of control)
i drifted.
flashbacks.
breathe.
moments.
moments long ago.

was it ballet?
was it me?
was it mom?
was it he?
the him that loved me (while he was pretending to be with
mom)?

breathe.
(you can handle this)
breathe.

flashback.

suddenly, it fell.
the barrier
i
held so long

i friended ana at 3, when i friended ballet
but, only later did she become
my very closest friend
breathe

together, we had control
(it came together)

so beautiful
so strong
i trusted them
I put my faith in
their beauty
their strength
i let them in
i let them take me
to places
i’d never known
so beautiful
so strong

both of them, lean and long
strong
in control
bold
beautiful
everything I could ever want
(the source of all my pain)

i danced
i danced hard
i did everything that was asked of me
i did everything I was told
i lived
in the studio
i lived
to dance

so beautiful
so strong

stretching
every inch of my body
stretching
each atom
of my soul

someone asked:
when i became friends with ana?
and i realized…

"what i let them steal from me..."

“who?” they asked
“ana and my mom's ex-bf (the beautiful abuser).”

together.
they stole everything from me.

they stole my body.
they stole my feelings.
they stole
BALLET

“breathe”
and
i
let
them
steal
it

i let them steal
all that I loved
i let them steal
all my work

i let them steal
the “me”
from
me

SUDDENLY

i realized
i had potential
i had a chance
to be
better
than average
better
than good
better
than most

maybe
just
maybe
i might have joined with
some of
the best

i realized
ana kept me from becoming
the dancer i could have been

i as so lucky
the best teachers
the best classes
the right bones
the right frame
the right muscle (potentially)
the right drive
the right face and hair and breasts and bones
i had the turnout (which i worked for)
i had the determination (which i paid for)
i had the attitude (which a cultivated)
i had the city (where the opportunities begin)
i had
everything you need
to
compete

but…
i let them steal it all from me

ANA insisted
i endure each class void of the fuel necessary to excel
ANA insisted
muscle was the enemy, preventing me from growing stronger
ANA insisted
pain was my goal, ensuring constant discomfort

how can you achieve
when you are always light-headed?
how can you win
when you are always jittery, shaky, and weak?

as hard as I worked
as determined as i lived
i could never find
that extra 10 percent that separates the good
from
the elite.
that extra 10 percent takes you from class to a company

“breathe.”
i sobbed.

“i let them steal from me.”
“i let them steal it all from me.”

i
was
weak.


what i let them steal.


© 2008 by ariana sexton-hughes