ana-nymity

anonymous
ana-nymity

you reduced me to tears
today

our conversation started as usual
“hey”
“hey”
“feeling better”
“still sick”
“oh, honey”
“bronchitis.”
“oh, no.”
“yup. on antibiotics, again. steroids, again.”
“poor thing.”

and so it went.

from casual chit-chat
hot cocoa/moca
menus
meals
nagging discomforts
weights
measures
desires
desolation

then
you drew me out
then
you opened
me
and
then

i, ana, admitted to you my darkest secrets.
i, ana, opened my heart to you.
i, ana, came to understand “why ana.”

you made me feel so safe.

you made me
feel
i
was
not
alone.

i cried
no
i sobbed
in the privacy of my room
with no one watching
I let go of
a decade of shame
a decade of anger
a decade lost
to
ana

you were there
for me
you let me sob
you let me scream
you knew
(i think)
HOW
i
felt
BUT
you could NOT see
my anger
my snot
my tears
my shame

you

could NOT
judge

my face
my body
my ana
you could only see
my words
and the emotion they contained
across a million miles of fiberoptic cyberspace
through my words
you learned my darkest, most occluded
secret
the epicenter of my pain
you
did not judge
you
did not give in
you
drew from me
that which
i
refused to see

breathe
“honey”
“breathe”

you brought me back
and thus

i, ana
am more grateful than you can ever know
i, ana
discovered more i knew possible

covered
in snot
and sweat
and tears
wanting
to scream
to cut
to let flow my blood

you
stood strong

you
drew me out

you
opened
me

i, ana
am more grateful than you can ever know

as the chat grew longer
and louder
and deeper
I admitted to myself that which I was afraid of

I admitted
to you
that which frightened me most
no friend (in flesh)
knows what you know
no friend (in flesh)
could ever know
what I gave to you

I, ana
am more grateful than you will ever know

you, in turn
felt a kindred spirit
you, in turn
found a partner
in sharing
in baring
our innermost
thoughts
feelings
desires
hopes

you, in turn
wanted more than imagining

you
wanted to see the face
behind the words

i, ana
am more grateful than you will ever know
you
wanted to know me even more

BUT
what I shared
came from a place
so deep, so occluded,
so ashamed
only because there is no face to place my words

ana-nymity
allows me
to speak
without fear
ana-nymity
allows me
to connect outside my shell
ana-nymity
allows me to be me
unjudged

some of us
are willing
to expose ourselves openly
to bare our thoughts in baring our bodies to the world
some of us
need validation
visually
some of us thrive on comparison
to those, i stand in awe
your strength steels me to trudge on

and
i, ana
am more grateful
than
you
will
ever know
for
i
trust
you will accept
that
my ananymity allows me to be more expressive
than
pixels could ever allow
my ananymity
provides safety
a safe place
to discover
who I am
and who I can become

i
ana
am
more
grateful
than
i
have ever
known

© 2008 by ariana sexton-hughes. all rights reserved.